[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
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My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.