[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
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Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
yeet
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Oh the world we live in…