The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
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TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0