ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
You Might Also Like
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!