*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
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My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.