*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
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I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.