[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
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“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
i meant to share this earlier
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Me driving through Toronto
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Venn
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,