[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
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If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.