Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
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Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns