*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
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This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother