@LosLos__: [Sees cute barista]
I'll have a quickie.
Barista: Sir, it's called an espresso.
@lawking30: Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, "drop-off done" & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
@batkaren: ME: Take care of my cat while I'm away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
@Bownuggets: *slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY'D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
@scott_towel: Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.