Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
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impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”