*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
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OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
sugar glider wrangler
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*