Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
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ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Simple
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Remember folks 😂
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.