Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
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How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
#ParentingFacts
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
become ungovernable