[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
You Might Also Like
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise