*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
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when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.