[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
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This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”