[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
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1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp