Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
You Might Also Like
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain