I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope