[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
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Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.