*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent