Sign at work today
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I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
A friend helps you before you need it
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.