[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
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Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman