[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
smh
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
i choose….tongue
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Oh the world we live in…
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?