[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
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TEETH IS INNOCENT
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]