[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
You Might Also Like
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
What flavor cupcake are these
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.