*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
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My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.