[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
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Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
me working on my assignments ^-^
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”