[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
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They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
won’t smith
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.