*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
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Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
If you love someone, let them tweet.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes