Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
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Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.