I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
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Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*weighs self after shaving
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself