*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
You Might Also Like
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Oh yeah that’s it
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
scared to check what name she chose
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.