Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
You Might Also Like
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.