[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
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Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler