[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
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I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
How to wake up a Beagle
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight