[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”