[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it