[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
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I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.