*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
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“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up