*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
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A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?