*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.