*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
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Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Woke up against my better judgement again
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book