[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
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dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
This forever.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.