*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
You Might Also Like
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Is this the real life?
Is this just
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Hey I worked for it too!
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex