*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
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the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Is fructose made with real fruct?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times