[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
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I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning