[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
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The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!